I know in my last post I said I didn't mind that Madison always wanted me...but I have to ask if it's ok to be brutally honest here. I guess since it's my blog, I can, but no judging allowed! It is wearing me down always having to be around her! I feel like I can't do anything, whether its in the house, or out of the house, because she'll just cry with Tony. I love being home with her, and would do just about anything to not have to go back to work at the beginning of the year, but the pressure of being so "needed" is starting to really break me down. I'm exhausted from getting up to feed her at night (as much as I love staring into her eyes as she nurses), and then having to be right there all day, even when Tony has the day off! I know motherhood is a 24/7/365 job, but I feel like I can't even clean, do laundry, or even eat unless she's sleeping! And let me tell you, she isn't a big napper during the day. She takes more cat naps than anything, so that doesn't really allow me to get much done.
I wish I knew how to get her "used" to Daddy holding her. Most of the time he holds her, she screams. Not cries, but blood curdling screams. It breaks my heart, but obviously not nearly as much as it breaks his! After a couple minutes, he just hands her to me because he can't take it anymore, and usually (not always) she quits within five minutes. I know she's going to be more attached to me since I'm home with her all day, and the fact that I nurse her, but it just seems a little extreme. He tries to help out some mornings by taking her and trying to give her the bottle. She'll drink an ounce or so, and then just scream. I don't understand why she won't take the bottle from him. She takes it for Grandma, Nanny, and even me! I would think that if she wasn't going to take it from someone, it would be me! I just don't know what to do, but I honestly feel like a single parent at times. Not because I don't have a husband who's willing to help out because I know he wants to SO BAD! but because she won't let him help! I'm so overwhelmed, and its starting to affect our marriage. I'm just so tired all the time, both physically and emotionally, that by the time he gets home, I've already started to shut down.
He told me the other morning that he missed the old me...that cut really deep. I didn't realize I was this bad. I wish he knew how much I miss the old me...not the "not-mom me", but the happy me. I just feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Any little thing can send me into tears; I'm so worn out! I know it will get better. She's only a little over a month old...But how much longer can he deal with me like this? Is it normal to wonder if we really made the right decision at the right time? That makes me sound like a horrible mom, but that's not how I mean it. I love this little girl so much, I ache when I think about it. It hurts how much I love her! But I sometimes question God and his timing...was I REALLY ready to be a mom?? I mean, I guess since we got pregnant so fast, and all the circumstances that were going on at the time that I got pregnant, it's pretty obvious that we were ready at this exact time. But that makes me ask God, why is it so hard?! What lesson are you trying to teach me? Please just send a sign...and when I say sign, I'm thinking something like a billboard!
This post just made me feel like a horrible mother...please realize that I wouldn't trade where I am for anything, I just needed to get some of these feelings out! I know this was kind of a jumbled mess, but I just let whatever I was thinking be written. I have to go get the little miss...she's done with the swing and Daddy's playing basketball (please don't even let me get started on how I feel about this!)
So happy!
Not so thrilled with all the pictures!
It was a long day for her!
