Time and Money

Time and money…the two things in life there never seems to be enough of. I constantly feel like I’m running out of time to get the things I both need and want to do done. There are not enough hours in the day. I guess the bigger issue is I’m still learning (and not doing a very good job of it!) how to be “Mommy Lindsay”, “Wife Lindsay”, “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay”, “Worker Bee Lindsay” and just “Lindsay.” Of course “Mommy” is my most important “title” and if I could only have one for the rest of my life I would choose that in a heartbeat! Madison is everything to me and I don’t want to miss anything she does! This in turn brings us back to NOT.ENOUGH.TIME!!!! She is growing so quickly…every day brings a new skill making her more of a little girl than a baby. I love seeing her personality blossom, but part of me yearns for that little baby that was completely dependent on me. Why did I not spend more time just holding her? Everyone told me how quickly it would go, and I tried to just stop some days and just be with her, but it wasn’t enough. I need to rewind…I need to go back! Why doesn’t life come equipped with a DVR?

Anyway, being “Mommy” is my most important job. I drop anything and everything for it. But being “Wife” is also important. He is my support, my partner in this parenting gig. He is my support and partner in life. I feel bad that there are nights that I just want to go to bed right after I put her down because I’m just so tired. I love him more than anything, and although I know I’m doing better at nurturing our relationship, I’m not doing as well as I should be. It’s hard. He asks me more often than I would like, “What’s wrong? You look sad” I don’t want to be sad, I just feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water, and that creeps into my attitude towards him…I really need to work on that.

Then there’s “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay” Yeah, she’s one of those that’s supposed to “be” but really isn’t there enough. The house is a mess…always. I know with an 8 month old and two dogs it’s hard, but it makes me crazy. There’s dog hair everywhere. I have been tempted to shave Zoey many times…seriously; the Golden Retriever hair I find everywhere is ridiculous. Besides the hair, there’s dust, there’s crumbs, there’s formula, there’s the laundry…it never ends. I need one day a week where I have a couple hours alone to just clean, but that’s not going to happen so I guess I need to figure it out with her there.

“Worker Bee Lindsay”…thankfully this one only has to exist for a couple more months (course then she will be replaced with “Student Lindsay’, but who’s keeping track!) My job is a job…it gives me a paycheck twice a month. Other than that, there’s not much good I can say about it. Working for Brokers (well basically sales people) is hard. They take, take, take, but don’t do much giving. They need everything yesterday, but give it all to you tomorrow. They are not “team players” which in turn makes me look like I’m not either because heaven forbid I be helping someone out when they think they need something NOW (which they usually don’t). It’s frustrating and draining to be in this environment every day. I’m really looking forward to giving my notice…which hopefully will be to quit, not just request part-time. Because quitting would obviously mean even less money, and I’m really scared it’s not going to be doable.

We are literally going to have enough for bills and groceries (and really I’m not sure how much I’ll have for groceries!) Its scary, and I ask myself daily if I’m being selfish trying to go back to school now. I really felt like this was God’s timing, but its getting closer and closer, and we still don’t know childcare for the princess or how we’re really going to survive. I’m starting to think I wanted it so bad, I “made” it God’s timing. The school is S.L.O.W.L.Y. going over my application and transcripts, and I’m patiently (haha, yeah right) waiting on their response. Is this God’s way of telling me, “Just wait.”? I feel like I’ve been waiting for too long already…I’m not getting any younger! I want to have another child in the next 4-5 years…That has me finishing school, maybe teaching a year (if I was lucky enough to get a job right after graduation), and then having another kid. I feel like in the long run, I’m doing something for the betterment of our family, but not sure if this is the right time. I’m trying to put all my faith and trust in God that He will provide, but I’m only human, and it’s starting to really get down to the wire…

But back to the “Lindsay’s”…which would bring us to just “Lindsay.” I feel selfish when I try to take time for myself…I feel like this is really the least important role I play, and when I’m portraying this one, I’m cutting time out of my other more important roles. I want to exercise at least an hour a day…I usually get in about 25-40 minutes (depending on what I choose to do that day), but if Tony’s home, I feel guilty because after I exercise and then shower, that’s an hour or so that I could have been spending with him, but I chose myself instead. I cherish my lunch hour, and admittedly sometimes take a little longer, because I can just sit and read. I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m not being “Mommy”, “Wife”, or “Home-Keeper-Upper” because I have to be at work. But I would love to go to the park on a Sunday afternoon and just lay on a blanket and read…but I can’t I have too many roles to play on the weekend and just “Lindsay” is not one of them.

I have so much more I need to write about, but this is long enough, so it will all have to wait for another day.

Roundabouts are not my friend...

I've never been a big fan of roundabouts. I always thought they were confusing and every time I went around one, I was afraid I was going to get in a wreck. Today, I did. I was on my way back to work after lunch, thought the lady already in the roundabout was going to continue around, so I started go so I could go behind her, but she was turning off at the "exit" so I hit her passenger side back door. Her car is dented. And mine? Well, mine seems to be missing something:
I take it to the shop tomorrow morning. I really pray they don't tell me its totaled.

I miss her...

Is it possible to go through post-partum depression 3 (almost 4) months after your baby is born? If it is, I’m starting to think I’m headed there. Maybe it’s just that I’ve gone back to work, and miss seeing her as much as I used to. Maybe it’s just me missing her. The problem is as overjoyed as I am to see her when I get off work, there’s always the thought in the back of my mind, that she has to go to bed in 2 hours, and then I will see her for 30 minutes in the morning before leaving at 7:15 am (at the latest) and not getting home until 5:30pm at the earliest. I see her for 2 ½ hours a day. I go to work, and I sit. I sit and I read blogs. I’ve had people say “Oh I wish I could get paid to surf the Internet!” or “It must be so nice to not be busy.” Obviously these people have never been in this situation! I can see how a day like that here and there would be welcomed; but every. single. day. Day after day, week after week…it’s horrible. Why am I paying the daycare a ridiculous amount of money for me to go and sit? Yes I’m bringing home a paycheck, but is it really worth it to drive approximately 50 miles a day round-trip, five days a week? I’m not sure they’d really miss me if I wasn’t here. I am on the verge of breaking down into tears every day. It takes serious effort to put on a smile, and act as if nothing is wrong. It’s exhausting to fake it. But how do you tell your boss, “There’s not enough for me to do, and I’m having a really hard time justifying leaving my child for 50 (50?!) hours a week to come and sit here.” Or do I just go in and say that, and hope more work comes my way? The other broker admin has stuff. It’s as if I’m not allowed to do anything but stuff for my boss. I don’t know, maybe that’s the way he wants, and the other brokers know this, so this is why I don’t get anything from anyone else. I hate it; I feel myself almost get jealous when they give stuff to her. Who gets jealous of someone getting all the work?!

I’m making Tony crazy. I’m not happy when I’m home. All I can think about is how I have to go back to work the next day to sit and do nothing once again, while daycare workers take care of my child. Her “teachers” are wonderful, but they’re not me. I’m starting to think he dreads coming home to me because he knows I’ll probably just be in a funk all night. I have not been fulfilling my wifely “duties” very well, wither (SORRY MOM, know you really want to know this!), but I’m just not in the mood because I am seriously not happy. I’m happy with Madison and my heart aches when I think about how much I love her. I don’t want this post to come across as me being depressed (if you can even call it that) when I’m with her, or feeling inadequate, it’s just being away from her for so long during the day is really starting to break me down. And I’m starting to let those feelings seep into my marriage, making it very hard to be the wife Tony deserves to have. I’ll I have been to him lately is a lump on the couch and a bump in the bed. He’s starting to think it’s him…I should really let him know it’s not.

I know this job is completely temporary. I just have to make it until the school year starts. Then I can go back to school, get my degree, and hopefully start teaching with a year or two of graduating. That’s what I really want to be doing. I want to go to work every day knowing I am helping someone. I sometimes think about where Madison will go when I have class, though. If I’m not working, we can’t pay for daycare…I hope to be able to take classes either on MWF or Tuesday and Thursday. That way I can have the other days with her, but hopefully we’ll find something for the days I’m in class. I know Tony knows how important going back to school is to me, so I know we’ll figure something out.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself, “It’s only until August…it’s only until August.” It’s still 7 months longer than I would like, but at least there is a light at the end. Hopefully I can see it get brighter every day, for the happiness of my marriage…for the happiness of me.

Can I be honest...

I know in my last post I said I didn't mind that Madison always wanted me...but I have to ask if it's ok to be brutally honest here. I guess since it's my blog, I can, but no judging allowed! It is wearing me down always having to be around her! I feel like I can't do anything, whether its in the house, or out of the house, because she'll just cry with Tony. I love being home with her, and would do just about anything to not have to go back to work at the beginning of the year, but the pressure of being so "needed" is starting to really break me down. I'm exhausted from getting up to feed her at night (as much as I love staring into her eyes as she nurses), and then having to be right there all day, even when Tony has the day off! I know motherhood is a 24/7/365 job, but I feel like I can't even clean, do laundry, or even eat unless she's sleeping! And let me tell you, she isn't a big napper during the day. She takes more cat naps than anything, so that doesn't really allow me to get much done.

I wish I knew how to get her "used" to Daddy holding her. Most of the time he holds her, she screams. Not cries, but blood curdling screams. It breaks my heart, but obviously not nearly as much as it breaks his! After a couple minutes, he just hands her to me because he can't take it anymore, and usually (not always) she quits within five minutes. I know she's going to be more attached to me since I'm home with her all day, and the fact that I nurse her, but it just seems a little extreme. He tries to help out some mornings by taking her and trying to give her the bottle. She'll drink an ounce or so, and then just scream. I don't understand why she won't take the bottle from him. She takes it for Grandma, Nanny, and even me! I would think that if she wasn't going to take it from someone, it would be me! I just don't know what to do, but I honestly feel like a single parent at times. Not because I don't have a husband who's willing to help out because I know he wants to SO BAD! but because she won't let him help! I'm so overwhelmed, and its starting to affect our marriage. I'm just so tired all the time, both physically and emotionally, that by the time he gets home, I've already started to shut down.

He told me the other morning that he missed the old me...that cut really deep. I didn't realize I was this bad. I wish he knew how much I miss the old me...not the "not-mom me", but the happy me. I just feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Any little thing can send me into tears; I'm so worn out! I know it will get better. She's only a little over a month old...But how much longer can he deal with me like this? Is it normal to wonder if we really made the right decision at the right time? That makes me sound like a horrible mom, but that's not how I mean it. I love this little girl so much, I ache when I think about it. It hurts how much I love her! But I sometimes question God and his timing...was I REALLY ready to be a mom?? I mean, I guess since we got pregnant so fast, and all the circumstances that were going on at the time that I got pregnant, it's pretty obvious that we were ready at this exact time. But that makes me ask God, why is it so hard?! What lesson are you trying to teach me? Please just send a sign...and when I say sign, I'm thinking something like a billboard!

This post just made me feel like a horrible mother...please realize that I wouldn't trade where I am for anything, I just needed to get some of these feelings out! I know this was kind of a jumbled mess, but I just let whatever I was thinking be written. I have to go get the little miss...she's done with the swing and Daddy's playing basketball (please don't even let me get started on how I feel about this!)

Why now?

I just found out I'm without a computer for 7-10 days...don't the people at Best Buy know that I'm going to have a baby in that time, and my wonderful blogging friends must have pictures ASAP?! Don't they know I'm off work all week next week, and now I have no computer on which to read my blogs? And can someone please explain to my wonderful husband why this is such a big deal? I know in the huge scheme of the world, it's not...but in my little piece of the world, it's HUGE! I just wish I could make him understand that without him telling me that it wasn't the end of the world. Yes, I'm fully aware that there are much worse things that could have happened, but I just wish he understood that it IS a big deal to me, and little sympathy (fake or not) would be appreciated!