Eleven Months!

My baby is 11 months old. It doesn’t seem possible that I’m already buying things for her birthday…wasn’t she just born a couple weeks ago?? People aren’t kidding when they tell you that the years will F.L.Y. by after you have kids! It has been so amazing to watch this little girl grow up this year. It’s amazing to me how much babies change in the first year. They go from being completely dependent and not being able to do ANYTHING, to this little person moving all around, “talking”, and becoming so curious about everything around them. At 11 months, Madison is:
· Walking…all…over…the…place!! She still has a little bit of Frankenbaby look to her, but she’s on the move, none the less

· Talking so much! Majority of the time, we have no idea what she’s saying, but she’s so passionate about it! She uses her hands (something I’m sure she got from her Mommy!), gets these crazy facial expressions, and changes the inflection of her voice as she’s telling us her stories!

· Still eating anything you put in front of her! She had ravioli for the first time a couple weeks ago, and loved to not only eat it, but also paint her highchair tray with it. I can’t wait to see her with her birthday cake…pretty sure we won’t have a dainty cake eater!

· Still sleeping about 11-13 hours a night. Daddy has also learned how to actually put her down for naps, which helps her to sleep longer during naps. Mommy still hasn’t tried, so we’ll see how that goes! :-)

· Loving her “joo” (juice). We’ve been giving her flavored water, and she prefers that to actual juice, so that’s all she gets now! Makes me happy: no sugar and a lot cheaper!!! We’ve made sure to keep calling it juice so she doesn’t think all water tastes like that!

· A master on the stairs. Well, going up them that is. Every time I try to turn her around to show her how to come down them, she just starts climbing back up, so we just have to keep an eye on her as she goes up.

· LOVING her puppy dogs! Zoey is definitely her favorite, though (which is probably because Nugget doesn’t really care to be around her right now!) She loves to play and climb all over Zoey. And Zoey is so good with her! Madison likes to tackle her, and Zoey just lets her pull on her.

· Starting to really love music. Almost every time she hears music, she’ll start dancing (the little squatting dance most babies do). She can’t stand quite well enough to do it on her own, but that doesn’t stop her from trying!

· Loving the Tupperware cupboard. I moved all our Tupperware down to one of our cupboards on the bottom, and she loves to get in there and pull them all out. It makes for a mess for Mommy and Daddy to clean up, but so worth it to be able to actually make dinner!

This kid is so awesome…seriously! I fall more in love her every second. She is the happiest baby and is always making us laugh. I’m so excited to watch her continue to develop her little personality!

Time and Money

Time and money…the two things in life there never seems to be enough of. I constantly feel like I’m running out of time to get the things I both need and want to do done. There are not enough hours in the day. I guess the bigger issue is I’m still learning (and not doing a very good job of it!) how to be “Mommy Lindsay”, “Wife Lindsay”, “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay”, “Worker Bee Lindsay” and just “Lindsay.” Of course “Mommy” is my most important “title” and if I could only have one for the rest of my life I would choose that in a heartbeat! Madison is everything to me and I don’t want to miss anything she does! This in turn brings us back to NOT.ENOUGH.TIME!!!! She is growing so quickly…every day brings a new skill making her more of a little girl than a baby. I love seeing her personality blossom, but part of me yearns for that little baby that was completely dependent on me. Why did I not spend more time just holding her? Everyone told me how quickly it would go, and I tried to just stop some days and just be with her, but it wasn’t enough. I need to rewind…I need to go back! Why doesn’t life come equipped with a DVR?

Anyway, being “Mommy” is my most important job. I drop anything and everything for it. But being “Wife” is also important. He is my support, my partner in this parenting gig. He is my support and partner in life. I feel bad that there are nights that I just want to go to bed right after I put her down because I’m just so tired. I love him more than anything, and although I know I’m doing better at nurturing our relationship, I’m not doing as well as I should be. It’s hard. He asks me more often than I would like, “What’s wrong? You look sad” I don’t want to be sad, I just feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water, and that creeps into my attitude towards him…I really need to work on that.

Then there’s “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay” Yeah, she’s one of those that’s supposed to “be” but really isn’t there enough. The house is a mess…always. I know with an 8 month old and two dogs it’s hard, but it makes me crazy. There’s dog hair everywhere. I have been tempted to shave Zoey many times…seriously; the Golden Retriever hair I find everywhere is ridiculous. Besides the hair, there’s dust, there’s crumbs, there’s formula, there’s the laundry…it never ends. I need one day a week where I have a couple hours alone to just clean, but that’s not going to happen so I guess I need to figure it out with her there.

“Worker Bee Lindsay”…thankfully this one only has to exist for a couple more months (course then she will be replaced with “Student Lindsay’, but who’s keeping track!) My job is a job…it gives me a paycheck twice a month. Other than that, there’s not much good I can say about it. Working for Brokers (well basically sales people) is hard. They take, take, take, but don’t do much giving. They need everything yesterday, but give it all to you tomorrow. They are not “team players” which in turn makes me look like I’m not either because heaven forbid I be helping someone out when they think they need something NOW (which they usually don’t). It’s frustrating and draining to be in this environment every day. I’m really looking forward to giving my notice…which hopefully will be to quit, not just request part-time. Because quitting would obviously mean even less money, and I’m really scared it’s not going to be doable.

We are literally going to have enough for bills and groceries (and really I’m not sure how much I’ll have for groceries!) Its scary, and I ask myself daily if I’m being selfish trying to go back to school now. I really felt like this was God’s timing, but its getting closer and closer, and we still don’t know childcare for the princess or how we’re really going to survive. I’m starting to think I wanted it so bad, I “made” it God’s timing. The school is S.L.O.W.L.Y. going over my application and transcripts, and I’m patiently (haha, yeah right) waiting on their response. Is this God’s way of telling me, “Just wait.”? I feel like I’ve been waiting for too long already…I’m not getting any younger! I want to have another child in the next 4-5 years…That has me finishing school, maybe teaching a year (if I was lucky enough to get a job right after graduation), and then having another kid. I feel like in the long run, I’m doing something for the betterment of our family, but not sure if this is the right time. I’m trying to put all my faith and trust in God that He will provide, but I’m only human, and it’s starting to really get down to the wire…

But back to the “Lindsay’s”…which would bring us to just “Lindsay.” I feel selfish when I try to take time for myself…I feel like this is really the least important role I play, and when I’m portraying this one, I’m cutting time out of my other more important roles. I want to exercise at least an hour a day…I usually get in about 25-40 minutes (depending on what I choose to do that day), but if Tony’s home, I feel guilty because after I exercise and then shower, that’s an hour or so that I could have been spending with him, but I chose myself instead. I cherish my lunch hour, and admittedly sometimes take a little longer, because I can just sit and read. I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m not being “Mommy”, “Wife”, or “Home-Keeper-Upper” because I have to be at work. But I would love to go to the park on a Sunday afternoon and just lay on a blanket and read…but I can’t I have too many roles to play on the weekend and just “Lindsay” is not one of them.

I have so much more I need to write about, but this is long enough, so it will all have to wait for another day.

8 Months! Already!

My baby is 8 months today. I can't believe she's been here for the exact length of time that I knew I was pregnant! The pregnancy went fast, but NOTHING compared to how fast these last 8 months have gone! It is so amazing how much a child changes in that first year. The growth is amazing and sad all at once. I told Tony last night after I went in to check on her one last time before bed, "She looks more like a little girl and less like a baby everyday." Its amazing how that realization can make me want to cry remembering how tiny she was, but also make me so excited for the little girl she is becoming.

She has a personality like nothing else. She is such a happy little girl! She makes some of the funniest faces, and loves to talk. She's also recently started "singing" to herself in the car...its so adorable. She gives kisses now, too. Wet, slobbery kisses, but the best kisses I've ever received! She will also kiss her animals in the bathtub now.

On Wednesday, June 3, my baby crawled. The look of accomplishment on her face was priceless! She was SO proud of herself. Yesterday morning, Tony said she crawled over the couch where she proceeded to try and pull herself up. I know that once she gets strong enough to get herself all the way up, she's going to crawl to a place she can pull herself up and start cruising. The girl loves to stand! If you hold her hands for her, she will walk. She can feel free to wait a couple months before walking on her own, though...Mommy really won't mind!

I will try and upload some pictures when I get home!! Happy Eight Months, Madison! Mommy and Daddy love you SO MUCH!!

Six Months Old!!!

Dear Madison,

Today you are six months old. I feel like you were born, I blinked, and all of a sudden it was six months later! On one hand I can’t believe you’ve been with us for six months already, and on the other hand I can’t believe it’s only been six months! I feel like you’ve been with us forever! You made the transition from husband and wife to daddy and mommy very easy for us! You are such a happy and entertaining little girl! You are getting more talkative everyday. Today, I’m not sure there was time that you were awake that you weren’t talking. You are so passionate about whatever it is you’re talking about, and I can’t wait to know what you’re trying to say. You make it harder every day for me to go to work. I feel like you’re growing even faster now, and I’m afraid to miss anything! The good news is that sooner than later I will get to spend a lot more time with you as Mommy is going to go back to school to be a teacher. Although I know it will be stressful for me to be a full-time student and a full-time Mommy, I know your Daddy will do everything he can to help Mommy achieve her dream. I’m sure there will nights I don’t see much of you, but I will just have to “keep my eye on the prize” and know that in the end, we will get to spend SO MUCH MORE time together!!

Here are some of the things you’re doing now:
· Sitting on your own
· Eating seven ounces
· Eating cereal once a day (most days)
· Eating ½ container of vegetables a day
· Eating ½ container of fruit a day
· Showing A LOT of interest in your puppies
· Starting to open and close your hand like you’re waving, and just being amazed!
· Learning to use your tongue more when you’re babbling
· Rolling to get where you want
· LOVING your pacifier! If you see it out of the corner of your eye, you must have it.
· Splashing in your bathtub. I’m pretty sure you would stay in your bathtub all night if I would let you.
· You’re very good while I brush your gums. I hope this continues once you start getting teeth!
· Starting to drink from your sippy cup. You’re not a big fan of the juice yet so we’re still working on this one!
· Still sleeping through night (about 99% of the time!)
· Pulling Mommy’s (and Grandma’s and Nanny’s) hair…seriously, I think it might be your favorite pastime right now!

Madison, you have a brought a joy to your Daddy and me that we never knew could be experienced! You are everything I could have asked for in a daughter, and SO. MUCH.MORE! We love you, princess!!

Love,
Mommy

Five Months

Dearest Madison,

Last Thursday you turned five months. It doesn’t even seem possible that you are this old already!! I know I say this every month, but this time is just flying by! I feel like the last five months have been a blur. They have been the best five months of my life, but by far, the FASTEST five months of my life! Your Daddy and I fall more in love with you every day. Every night while I’m nursing you and rocking you to sleep, I struggle to keep tears from falling. I look at you, and my heart literally aches with the love I feel for you. There have been nights that I’ve waken you up because I can’t stop kissing your forehead as you sleep in my arms. The love I feel when I look at you is stronger than I could have ever imagined feeling. I had always been told that there is nothing like a mother’s love, and that couldn’t be truer! It is something that you won’t understand until you are one day (in many, many years!) a mommy yourself.

You have grown up so much in the past two months!! You’re rolling over from belly to back and from back to belly. Your favorite time of day is right before bedtime on your floor in your room in only your diaper. You roll around, grabbing at your feet and babbling away. You are such a talker. Just recently you’ve begun to actually babble. You’ve moved from the “ahhh’s” and “ohhh’s” and on to “bababa”, and “dadada.” Your Daddy is in heaven every time you babble “dada.” And I gotta be honest and tell you that even though I know you’re not actually calling him, I’m a little jealous! J

You L-O-V-E your exersaucer! You will usually spend about 30-45 minutes in it every night while Mommy and Daddy eat dinner. You love to play with all the toys. Although there are times when we think you’re getting mad at them. You will scream at them, and then laugh. I wish I knew what you were saying because you are SO passionate about it!

Now let’s talk about what you really love…FOOD!! We started you on cereal at four months and you loved it! You ate it like a champ!! At five months we started giving you vegetables. So far you’ve tried carrots and sweet potatoes and you have loved them both. You eat off the spoon so well. You really don’t make too much of a mess when you eat. I am so excited to keep introducing new foods to you!

Madison, I love you so much! Becoming your mommy has made me so happy. I feel complete now. I realize now that I was missing something before you were born. I think you have made me a better person. I love you and am excited for the many more memories we’re going to make with you!

Love,
Mommy

How lives change!

I stared hard at the clock, willing it to move. I had one minute left. On the other side of the bathroom door lay a stick that had the potential to change our lives forever. After what seemed like hours, the clock finally moved. I opened the door slowly, picked it up, and saw:

“Uh, honey!” I called to Tony who was in the other room on the computer.
“Are you pregnant?” he asked so nonchalantly
“I...I think so…” I whispered. “There’s two pink lines, and according to this thing that means pregnant.”
“Go to CVS and get another one…I know you want to.”

And that’s exactly what I did. I hopped in the car and prayed the entire way (all 5 minutes!) to CVS.
“Lord, I have no idea why this is your perfect timing. I know it is…you don’t make mistakes. But are you sure this is really the best time. I mean, I don’t really have a job; I’m just temping at that place. Once that’s over, who’s going to hire a pregnant lady? I’m not saying I don’t trust you, Lord; I’m just saying I really don’t understand the timing, and if you could let me in on your reasoning, that would be great!”

By the time I got back to the pregnancy tests, I was shaking. I was so excited, but scare out of my mind at the same time! I got the digital one, and took it to the counter. “Is this a good thing?” the cashier asked. I think she could see my shaking.
“Yeah…yeah. It just happened a lot quicker than we thought it would.” My Christmas present had been baby Colts stuff. That’s how Tony told me we could start trying to get pregnant. It was now February 4. Just over a month later. It’s not supposed to happen that quickly.

I got home, took the test, and started the waiting game all over again. After another hour (ok, two minutes), I opened the bathroom door again, picked it up, and saw:

I didn’t say a word. I walked into the room where Tony was, and just showed him. He got the biggest smile on his face that I’ve ever seen! “We’re having a baby.” He said. And we were!

3 weeks later, I saw this on the monitor at the doctor’s office:
And it all became so real!

11 weeks later, I took my first belly picture:
A week later, “Feety” became “Madison”:

16 weeks later, we saw her smile:

8 weeks later, I was ready to pop:

And then on October 5, 2008, she stole our hearts:
And just 5 days ago, she stole my heart again:

A year ago today, I had no idea what it felt like to be a mommy…but today I can’t remember what it felt like to NOT be a mommy!

Getting so big!!

Playing before bedtime!

The past two nights, Madison and I have spent close to an hour laying on her floor playing. She is so close to rolling over from her back to her tummy that if she got any closer, she'd be rolling over. Her legs tend to get in the way! She rolls over from tummy to her back like a pro!! She always gets a huge smile on her smile on her face as soon as she rolls over. It's so sweet to see her growing up and mastering all these new skills!! My baby is truly passed the newborn stage! I'm going to be planning her first birthday before I know it! I'm almost afraid to blink, for fear I'll miss something big!!

Happy 3 Months!

My sweet Madison,

I can’t believe you are already three months old! I feel like they just placed you in my arms for the first time yesterday! This is also the first day Mommy had to leave you in the morning to go to work. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated! I miss you constantly while I’m at work, and I stare at your picture constantly, counting down the minutes until I get to see and hold you again! You are growing so quickly now; I think you get bigger everyday when I get home from work. Your little personality is quickly becoming apparent, and I LOVE it!! You are such a happy little baby. You love to smile, and LOVE to talk! After your bath before bed is your most talkative time. I love just listening to you “tell me about your day.” You get so excited about something, and your voice gets higher pitched, and your arms and legs just start going. It is the sweetest thing! You are starting to prefer a bottle during the day. This makes me happy and sad all at the same time. On one hand, it’s much more convenient when we are out and about, but on the other hand, I miss that bonding time. Luckily for me, you still like to nurse in the morning and right before you go to bed. When the time comes to give those up, it will kill me! I love staring at you at night in your dim room with your lullabies playing; taking in the scent of your lotion soaked skin. As your eyes slowly become heavier and heavier, I thank God for you over and over!! I don’t know what I did to deserve such a beautiful daughter, but I’m so thankful God chose you for me! You fit perfectly in the crook of my arm while you nurse. It’s as if you truly were a part of me, and God just split us apart so I could share you with others! I love your last few moments of consciousness before finally giving in and slipping into a deep sleep for the night. You try so hard to stay awake…you twist your head all around, and make any noise you can to try and just get a few more seconds. But without fail, you always succumb to the sleepiness you feel. I usually continue to rock you for a while after you fall asleep. Your breathing falls into a comfortable rhythm, and eventually the pacifier comes flying out. I continue to just stare at you, and marvel at how perfect you are! I tell you multiple times how much I love you. I make sure to tell you every night that I will be here whenever you need me; whether it’s 20 minutes from now, or 20 years. We celebrated your First Christmas last month. It was surreal to remember that last Christmas was when your Daddy told me we were going to start trying for a baby, and this Christmas I got to share it with you!! Next year will be even more fun as you will be almost 15 months old, and I’m sure you will just want to rip the wrapping paper off, but that doesn’t take away how special this Christmas was. This holiday takes on a whole new meaning when you’re a Mommy (something I hope you don’t experience for quite some time!J) It becomes much more about spending time with family, and less about the presents. (although I had to restrain myself from buying everything in site for you!) It’s hard to believe you’re passing the ¼ mark on your way to turning 1. This is going way too fast!! They tell you to cherish every moment because it DOES go so fast…but I have been, and it’s still going too fast. Before I know it, I’ll be chasing after you as you crawl all over the house, and then walking, and eventually I’ll “get” to deal with those teenage hormones! I’m sure we’ll have our share of arguments; I can already tell we’re enough alike to butt heads now and again, but always remember that I love you more than anything, and will always be there to rejoice with you in good times, and comfort you in bad. I love you, Madison Nicole…don’t ever forget that!

Love,
Mommy

2 months old!

Dear Madison,

I can't believe that you've already been here in our lives for two months! This has been the best two months of my life! Being your mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is harder than I ever imagined, but it is so much more rewarding that I could have imagined. You have already changed so much from that early Sunday morning that I first saw your face. You look like a baby now, and not a newborn. I wasn't prepared for how fast the newborn look would fade! Every morning when I reach into your bassinet, I swear you are 100 times more beautiful than the night before when I carefully placed you in there. You light my day up when you see me in the morning and stop crying because you realize I'm there to pick you up feed you!

You already have such an amazing personality, and I get excited every day to see what you're going to start doing. You are such a happy baby. Your smile lights up my soul. I love changing your diaper and seeing you look up at me with your big gummy grin. And you are already such a talker!!! I think Daddy and I are in for it when you really start talking. You can lay on your changing table for 20 minutes and just smile and talk to us. You get so excited when we talk back to you, and just talk more. I never knew how exciting a conversation with a two month old could be. I've tried to record you talking on my cell phone, but every time I put the cell phone up, you just stare at it with wonder, and completely clam up. Hopefully soon I can record you and send it to Grandma!

We celebrated your first big holiday this past month, and you did great! You let everybody hold you, and then fell asleep in your swing. Last Thanksgiving, the thought of having a baby was just that! It was so surreal to have you here! I know next year will be even more fun. You'll actually get to eat some of the Thanksgiving feast...a moment that I can't WAIT to capture!

This month, we will celebrate your first Christmas. Last Christmas morning was when I opened my gift from Daddy and saw the Colts onesie, pacifier, and other baby stuff. That was the day the idea of me becoming a mommy was no longer just my dream...it was going to happen! This Christmas morning, I will get to open gifts with you in my arms. How amazing how much has changed in just a year! I took you to see Santa, and you were great. I hope next year I'm as lucky!

Madison, I love you so much, and every day I love you more!! My heart aches for you when you're not with me, and when I finally see you again, it almost bursts with the love and excitement I feel! I fall in love with you again every single morning. Thank you for making me happier than I could have ever imagined!

Love,

Mommy

Can I be honest...

I know in my last post I said I didn't mind that Madison always wanted me...but I have to ask if it's ok to be brutally honest here. I guess since it's my blog, I can, but no judging allowed! It is wearing me down always having to be around her! I feel like I can't do anything, whether its in the house, or out of the house, because she'll just cry with Tony. I love being home with her, and would do just about anything to not have to go back to work at the beginning of the year, but the pressure of being so "needed" is starting to really break me down. I'm exhausted from getting up to feed her at night (as much as I love staring into her eyes as she nurses), and then having to be right there all day, even when Tony has the day off! I know motherhood is a 24/7/365 job, but I feel like I can't even clean, do laundry, or even eat unless she's sleeping! And let me tell you, she isn't a big napper during the day. She takes more cat naps than anything, so that doesn't really allow me to get much done.

I wish I knew how to get her "used" to Daddy holding her. Most of the time he holds her, she screams. Not cries, but blood curdling screams. It breaks my heart, but obviously not nearly as much as it breaks his! After a couple minutes, he just hands her to me because he can't take it anymore, and usually (not always) she quits within five minutes. I know she's going to be more attached to me since I'm home with her all day, and the fact that I nurse her, but it just seems a little extreme. He tries to help out some mornings by taking her and trying to give her the bottle. She'll drink an ounce or so, and then just scream. I don't understand why she won't take the bottle from him. She takes it for Grandma, Nanny, and even me! I would think that if she wasn't going to take it from someone, it would be me! I just don't know what to do, but I honestly feel like a single parent at times. Not because I don't have a husband who's willing to help out because I know he wants to SO BAD! but because she won't let him help! I'm so overwhelmed, and its starting to affect our marriage. I'm just so tired all the time, both physically and emotionally, that by the time he gets home, I've already started to shut down.

He told me the other morning that he missed the old me...that cut really deep. I didn't realize I was this bad. I wish he knew how much I miss the old me...not the "not-mom me", but the happy me. I just feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Any little thing can send me into tears; I'm so worn out! I know it will get better. She's only a little over a month old...But how much longer can he deal with me like this? Is it normal to wonder if we really made the right decision at the right time? That makes me sound like a horrible mom, but that's not how I mean it. I love this little girl so much, I ache when I think about it. It hurts how much I love her! But I sometimes question God and his timing...was I REALLY ready to be a mom?? I mean, I guess since we got pregnant so fast, and all the circumstances that were going on at the time that I got pregnant, it's pretty obvious that we were ready at this exact time. But that makes me ask God, why is it so hard?! What lesson are you trying to teach me? Please just send a sign...and when I say sign, I'm thinking something like a billboard!

This post just made me feel like a horrible mother...please realize that I wouldn't trade where I am for anything, I just needed to get some of these feelings out! I know this was kind of a jumbled mess, but I just let whatever I was thinking be written. I have to go get the little miss...she's done with the swing and Daddy's playing basketball (please don't even let me get started on how I feel about this!)

Madison's Birth Story

Friday, October 3, we went into the hospital at 7:30pm to start the Cervadil for the induction the next day. My mom, brother, and Tony's mom all came to see us that night, and everyone was gone by 11pm. I wasn't in any pain yet, but was just so excited I couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep around 1am. At 2:30am I woke up with moderate contractions. I was already having to pee every 10 minutes it seemed, and with the contractions, it was making it very hard to sleep. I finally decided to give in and ask the nurse for some pain medication so I could get some sleep since I knew Saturday was going to be a long day (if only I had known how long!). Just as I was getting ready to call her, she came in to tell me I needed to roll over because the baby had been sleeping for a while, and they just wanted to make sure she was ok...which also meant I couldn't have any medicine for at least 20 minutes while they monitored her to make sure she was ok. 25 minutes later, the nurse was back with the medicine! YEA!! She told me it would take about 2-3 minutes to take effect, and I would start to feel like I'd had a couple drinks. 2-3 minutes, yeah right! About 30 seconds after she put the IV in, I was light headed, and ready to sleep! I slept so soundly for the next 2 hours, it was heaven!

I was kind of in and out of sleep until about 8:30 am when I decided to get up and brush my teeth. The nurse came to remove the cervadil, and told me to take my shower, and then we would start the pitocin. Well finally at around 10:30 am, my doctor came in to break my water and start the pitocin. When she broke my water, she saw that Madison had had a bowel movement, and there was meconium in the amniotic fluid. She let me know that NICU would have to be present for the birth, and would take her right away to get her all suctioned out. I was a little disappointed because I figured then I wouldn't get her on my belly right away, but figured I could deal! So at 10:45 am, the induction "officially started!" By noon, I was dying from the contractions! I'm sure they weren't really THAT bad, but I. DO. NOT. DO. PAIN! so I asked when I was allowed to have my epidural. The nurse told me my doctor likes for you to get to a 4 before getting one, so at least I had something to aim for! Around 1:30 pm they checked me and I was a 3, so I started getting myself excited for the epidural...I didn't have to wait long! At 2, my nurse came in and asked "Do you want your epidural?" Uh, yeah!!! She said the anesthesiologist was getting ready to go into a c-section, so they wanted to make sure I got it before he went in...THANK YOU JESUS!! I was a little nervous for the the actual insertion because I had heard that it hurt pretty bad. I was happy to feel that it wasn't bad at all!! Within a half hour, I couldn't feel a thing, and I was back in good spirits!

They kept coming in to check me every 2 hours or so, and I was making pretty good progress. But then 9 pm came...I was still the 6 I was at 7 pm. And at 11 pm, I was still a 6. The nurse had my doctor come in to check me, just to make sure, and she reluctantly told me that I was only a 7, and that I had stalled. I had been at the same measurement for four hours, and that it wasn't looking good for a vaginal delivery. She told me that she could let me go one more hour, turn the pitocin up, and check me again, or we could just go ahead with the c-section. She said she'd give us a couple minutes to talk it over, and then she'd be back to see what we'd decided. I held it together pretty well until she was out of the room, but then I lost it. A c-section was something I really didn't want. I just really wanted to deliver her, and have her on my belly and see her right away. Everything I've been dreaming about since I got pregnant. Tony was my rock through it all, and let me know that it was fine either way. If I wanted to have the c-section, at least she would be here soon, and I wouldn't have to wait anymore. But if I wanted to wait, he was fine with that too. I couldn't make a decision to save my life, so he just decided we were going to wait. His feeling was, "What's one more hour?" How happy I am that he made me wait that extra hour! The nurse came back after an hour, and said I was a 6-7, which wasn't a lot of progress, but it was more progress than I had made the last 4 hours!! She went to call the doctor, and I told her whatever the doctor said, that's what I wanted to do...no matter what. When she came back in, she said we were going to continue the Pitocin, and see if we could get this baby the way I wanted! I continued to progress, and at around 6:00 Sunday morning, I was finally a 10. I finally started pushing at 6:30 am. At 7, my nurse from the day before was back on, so she came in to help with the delivery. My next contraction, the doctor told me we were going to have a baby! No such luck...but she knew with the next one she would be here. She let me know that once the head was out, I needed to push even harder so they could get her shoulders out. So when the next contraction came, I pushed as hard as I could, and when I felt the head come out, I started pushing harder; only my doctor was saying "Slow down! Slow down!" I wasn't sure if she meant stop pushing completely, or just don't push as hard. It didn't matter because about 2 seconds later, she said "Never mind!" And I heard my mom say "Oh, Madison!" So I knew she was here. Apparently it was a good thing my doctor was ready, because Madison just kinda came "shooting" out! At 7:16am, Sunday October 5, 2008, my beautiful daughter was placed on my tummy, and I have never seen such a beautiful baby in my life! After I got to hold her for about a minute, the NICU whisked her away to suction out her mouth, nose, and lungs. I could handle the sound of them suctioning her mouth and nose, but the sound of the tube being down her throat while her lungs were being suctioned was almost more than I could handle. Luckily my doctor recognized this, and tried to keep my attention and just talked to me.

I finally got to hold her again about 15 minutes after she was born. It's such an amazing feeling holding your child. It sounds cliche, but it's so true that you never understand a mother's love until you are one. Tony described the love perfectly when he said it's a "pure love." I can't believe the amount of love I felt for her as soon as she was born, and it just continues to grow every time I lay eyes on her!