Time and money…the two things in life there never seems to be enough of. I constantly feel like I’m running out of time to get the things I both need and want to do done. There are not enough hours in the day. I guess the bigger issue is I’m still learning (and not doing a very good job of it!) how to be “Mommy Lindsay”, “Wife Lindsay”, “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay”, “Worker Bee Lindsay” and just “Lindsay.” Of course “Mommy” is my most important “title” and if I could only have one for the rest of my life I would choose that in a heartbeat! Madison is everything to me and I don’t want to miss anything she does! This in turn brings us back to NOT.ENOUGH.TIME!!!! She is growing so quickly…every day brings a new skill making her more of a little girl than a baby. I love seeing her personality blossom, but part of me yearns for that little baby that was completely dependent on me. Why did I not spend more time just holding her? Everyone told me how quickly it would go, and I tried to just stop some days and just be with her, but it wasn’t enough. I need to rewind…I need to go back! Why doesn’t life come equipped with a DVR?
Anyway, being “Mommy” is my most important job. I drop anything and everything for it. But being “Wife” is also important. He is my support, my partner in this parenting gig. He is my support and partner in life. I feel bad that there are nights that I just want to go to bed right after I put her down because I’m just so tired. I love him more than anything, and although I know I’m doing better at nurturing our relationship, I’m not doing as well as I should be. It’s hard. He asks me more often than I would like, “What’s wrong? You look sad” I don’t want to be sad, I just feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water, and that creeps into my attitude towards him…I really need to work on that.
Then there’s “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay” Yeah, she’s one of those that’s supposed to “be” but really isn’t there enough. The house is a mess…always. I know with an 8 month old and two dogs it’s hard, but it makes me crazy. There’s dog hair everywhere. I have been tempted to shave Zoey many times…seriously; the Golden Retriever hair I find everywhere is ridiculous. Besides the hair, there’s dust, there’s crumbs, there’s formula, there’s the laundry…it never ends. I need one day a week where I have a couple hours alone to just clean, but that’s not going to happen so I guess I need to figure it out with her there.
“Worker Bee Lindsay”…thankfully this one only has to exist for a couple more months (course then she will be replaced with “Student Lindsay’, but who’s keeping track!) My job is a job…it gives me a paycheck twice a month. Other than that, there’s not much good I can say about it. Working for Brokers (well basically sales people) is hard. They take, take, take, but don’t do much giving. They need everything yesterday, but give it all to you tomorrow. They are not “team players” which in turn makes me look like I’m not either because heaven forbid I be helping someone out when they think they need something NOW (which they usually don’t). It’s frustrating and draining to be in this environment every day. I’m really looking forward to giving my notice…which hopefully will be to quit, not just request part-time. Because quitting would obviously mean even less money, and I’m really scared it’s not going to be doable.
We are literally going to have enough for bills and groceries (and really I’m not sure how much I’ll have for groceries!) Its scary, and I ask myself daily if I’m being selfish trying to go back to school now. I really felt like this was God’s timing, but its getting closer and closer, and we still don’t know childcare for the princess or how we’re really going to survive. I’m starting to think I wanted it so bad, I “made” it God’s timing. The school is S.L.O.W.L.Y. going over my application and transcripts, and I’m patiently (haha, yeah right) waiting on their response. Is this God’s way of telling me, “Just wait.”? I feel like I’ve been waiting for too long already…I’m not getting any younger! I want to have another child in the next 4-5 years…That has me finishing school, maybe teaching a year (if I was lucky enough to get a job right after graduation), and then having another kid. I feel like in the long run, I’m doing something for the betterment of our family, but not sure if this is the right time. I’m trying to put all my faith and trust in God that He will provide, but I’m only human, and it’s starting to really get down to the wire…
But back to the “Lindsay’s”…which would bring us to just “Lindsay.” I feel selfish when I try to take time for myself…I feel like this is really the least important role I play, and when I’m portraying this one, I’m cutting time out of my other more important roles. I want to exercise at least an hour a day…I usually get in about 25-40 minutes (depending on what I choose to do that day), but if Tony’s home, I feel guilty because after I exercise and then shower, that’s an hour or so that I could have been spending with him, but I chose myself instead. I cherish my lunch hour, and admittedly sometimes take a little longer, because I can just sit and read. I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m not being “Mommy”, “Wife”, or “Home-Keeper-Upper” because I have to be at work. But I would love to go to the park on a Sunday afternoon and just lay on a blanket and read…but I can’t I have too many roles to play on the weekend and just “Lindsay” is not one of them.
I have so much more I need to write about, but this is long enough, so it will all have to wait for another day.
