Eleven Months!

My baby is 11 months old. It doesn’t seem possible that I’m already buying things for her birthday…wasn’t she just born a couple weeks ago?? People aren’t kidding when they tell you that the years will F.L.Y. by after you have kids! It has been so amazing to watch this little girl grow up this year. It’s amazing to me how much babies change in the first year. They go from being completely dependent and not being able to do ANYTHING, to this little person moving all around, “talking”, and becoming so curious about everything around them. At 11 months, Madison is:
· Walking…all…over…the…place!! She still has a little bit of Frankenbaby look to her, but she’s on the move, none the less

· Talking so much! Majority of the time, we have no idea what she’s saying, but she’s so passionate about it! She uses her hands (something I’m sure she got from her Mommy!), gets these crazy facial expressions, and changes the inflection of her voice as she’s telling us her stories!

· Still eating anything you put in front of her! She had ravioli for the first time a couple weeks ago, and loved to not only eat it, but also paint her highchair tray with it. I can’t wait to see her with her birthday cake…pretty sure we won’t have a dainty cake eater!

· Still sleeping about 11-13 hours a night. Daddy has also learned how to actually put her down for naps, which helps her to sleep longer during naps. Mommy still hasn’t tried, so we’ll see how that goes! :-)

· Loving her “joo” (juice). We’ve been giving her flavored water, and she prefers that to actual juice, so that’s all she gets now! Makes me happy: no sugar and a lot cheaper!!! We’ve made sure to keep calling it juice so she doesn’t think all water tastes like that!

· A master on the stairs. Well, going up them that is. Every time I try to turn her around to show her how to come down them, she just starts climbing back up, so we just have to keep an eye on her as she goes up.

· LOVING her puppy dogs! Zoey is definitely her favorite, though (which is probably because Nugget doesn’t really care to be around her right now!) She loves to play and climb all over Zoey. And Zoey is so good with her! Madison likes to tackle her, and Zoey just lets her pull on her.

· Starting to really love music. Almost every time she hears music, she’ll start dancing (the little squatting dance most babies do). She can’t stand quite well enough to do it on her own, but that doesn’t stop her from trying!

· Loving the Tupperware cupboard. I moved all our Tupperware down to one of our cupboards on the bottom, and she loves to get in there and pull them all out. It makes for a mess for Mommy and Daddy to clean up, but so worth it to be able to actually make dinner!

This kid is so awesome…seriously! I fall more in love her every second. She is the happiest baby and is always making us laugh. I’m so excited to watch her continue to develop her little personality!

4 years of magic

Four years ago this weekend, I married my best friend. There have been many ups and downs during this time, but all have been worth it. I love this man more than I could have ever imagined. He always knows what to say when I'm feeling down, and can always make me laugh. Sometimes this gets on my nerves! Seeing as though he can make me laught 9 times out of 10 even when I'm mad at him. He is the most amazing father...he loves Madison more than anything in this world. Seeing him grow as a daddy this past year has just made me fall even more in love with him. There is nothing better than seeing a Daddy with his baby girl! I am so excited to spend so many more years with this man; my soulmate and my best friend!

At our wedding, September 3, 2005

At the Colts game in August, 2009

(I must say that I think we both look better now...how many people can say that! :))

Pictures

Here are some recent pictures of the little miss!

It has been brought to my attention...

that I need to update! I don't even know where to start! Miss Madison turned 10 months last Wednesday, and is becoming less of a baby and more of a little girl each day. I was looking at some of her pictures from our cruise, and I couldn't get over how much she's changed in just those 3 short months. It's amazing to me how old I thought she looked then, and now looking back, how young she looked!! She was still a baby, now she's my (almost) toddler!

She's now crawling at an alarming rate of speed! She's everywhere and into everything! She loves to get Zoey's dishes out and throw them around. Apparently the metal hitting the wood floor is appealing to her ears! She's also pulling herself up at every opportunity and standing on her own more often and for longer periods of time each day. Last night she almost took a step, but decided to plop down and crawl instead. Which I am quite OK with...I'm not sure I'm ready for her to be a walker yet...that would just solidify that I have a toddler...no more baby. I'm not ready to let my baby grow up, yet!

At 10 months:
* Weighs 19 lbs 7 oz (at her check-up on 7/20/09)

*28 inches long (same check-up)

*Eating 2-3 8 ounce bottles a day (1 in the morning, 1 around 2 or 3, and 1 before bed)

*Eating anything you put on her tray!
*Her favorites include bananas, sweet potatoes, macaroni and cheese, turkey dogs, corn,
chicken

*Babbling like crazy!! She loves to talk.
*Dada – starting to figure out that “Dada” is Daddy
*Mama – not sure if were at “Mama” = Mommy yet…
*Dodo/Dod – Doggie
*“I did it”
*“I got it”
*Sounded like she was saying “Hey Dude” this weekend…seeing as though we both say
that to her a lot so it wouldn't be surprising!
*Many more sounds that mean a lot to her but Mommy and Daddy are still trying to figure
out exactly what they mean!

*Pulling herself up on anything and everything...the girl loves to stand!

*Cruising like a pro!

*Standing on her own

*Clapping – she loves to clap for herself!

*Pointing at things...sometimes what she wants, sometimes just to point!

*Still sleeping 12-13 hours a night

*But still not really napping…½ hour here, ½ hour there…

*Loves the water!! She would stay in the pool all day if we’d let her I think! She’s not afraid at all. She crawled from Grandma’s chair to the pool the other day and would have gone in if Grandma would have let her! Seriously…no fear!

*Is really starting to love her doggies! She lets them out of their cages every morning and when we get home in the afternoon. Nugget doesn’t really want anything to do with her, but Zoey will let her crawl all over her, which Madison L.O.V.E.S. to do!! She uses Zoey to pull herself up, pulling Zoey’s ears and fur in the process, but Zoey just lets her. She’s so good with her!

*Loves her Ball Popper. She knows she has to push the red button to get the balls to pop up. She also likes to put anything she can find down the hole.

*Loves her Activity Table. She loves to turn the pages of the book back and forth! She also likes to take the phone off and carry it with her, stopping every once in a while to shake it (it rattles), smile and be on her way!

We are just loving this little princess so much!! She is a funny little girl, and such a joy to be around. We are truly blessed with an amazing little lady!

How?

Can someone please tell me how its possible to go from this:

To this:

in just 9 short months?? How is it possible that my baby is 9 months old already?! Detailed post coming soon :)

Old Settlers

I got to take Madison to Old Settlers this weekend. Even though the only thing she could ride was the carousel, it was still fun to start this tradition with her. I remember looking forward to Old Settlers every year when I was kid. I'm excited to take Madison back every year, too! She got her first taste of fair food, too. She had some of the breading from a corn dog, some ice cream, some cotton candy, and some elephant ear...all very small tastes, I assure you, but we had to let her experience the great food!

Madison "jumping" into the pool

She was fearless! She would come in whether you were ready for her or not! Can't wait to enjoy more time in the pool with her this summer!

First Time in the Pool

Madison and I were up visiting my mom this weekend and we went to the pool. The last time we were there, she wouldn't get in the water. She cried everytime we put her toes in...in her defense, the water was FREEZING!!! This time the water was great, and she LOVED it!!

Time and Money

Time and money…the two things in life there never seems to be enough of. I constantly feel like I’m running out of time to get the things I both need and want to do done. There are not enough hours in the day. I guess the bigger issue is I’m still learning (and not doing a very good job of it!) how to be “Mommy Lindsay”, “Wife Lindsay”, “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay”, “Worker Bee Lindsay” and just “Lindsay.” Of course “Mommy” is my most important “title” and if I could only have one for the rest of my life I would choose that in a heartbeat! Madison is everything to me and I don’t want to miss anything she does! This in turn brings us back to NOT.ENOUGH.TIME!!!! She is growing so quickly…every day brings a new skill making her more of a little girl than a baby. I love seeing her personality blossom, but part of me yearns for that little baby that was completely dependent on me. Why did I not spend more time just holding her? Everyone told me how quickly it would go, and I tried to just stop some days and just be with her, but it wasn’t enough. I need to rewind…I need to go back! Why doesn’t life come equipped with a DVR?

Anyway, being “Mommy” is my most important job. I drop anything and everything for it. But being “Wife” is also important. He is my support, my partner in this parenting gig. He is my support and partner in life. I feel bad that there are nights that I just want to go to bed right after I put her down because I’m just so tired. I love him more than anything, and although I know I’m doing better at nurturing our relationship, I’m not doing as well as I should be. It’s hard. He asks me more often than I would like, “What’s wrong? You look sad” I don’t want to be sad, I just feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water, and that creeps into my attitude towards him…I really need to work on that.

Then there’s “Home-keeper-upper Lindsay” Yeah, she’s one of those that’s supposed to “be” but really isn’t there enough. The house is a mess…always. I know with an 8 month old and two dogs it’s hard, but it makes me crazy. There’s dog hair everywhere. I have been tempted to shave Zoey many times…seriously; the Golden Retriever hair I find everywhere is ridiculous. Besides the hair, there’s dust, there’s crumbs, there’s formula, there’s the laundry…it never ends. I need one day a week where I have a couple hours alone to just clean, but that’s not going to happen so I guess I need to figure it out with her there.

“Worker Bee Lindsay”…thankfully this one only has to exist for a couple more months (course then she will be replaced with “Student Lindsay’, but who’s keeping track!) My job is a job…it gives me a paycheck twice a month. Other than that, there’s not much good I can say about it. Working for Brokers (well basically sales people) is hard. They take, take, take, but don’t do much giving. They need everything yesterday, but give it all to you tomorrow. They are not “team players” which in turn makes me look like I’m not either because heaven forbid I be helping someone out when they think they need something NOW (which they usually don’t). It’s frustrating and draining to be in this environment every day. I’m really looking forward to giving my notice…which hopefully will be to quit, not just request part-time. Because quitting would obviously mean even less money, and I’m really scared it’s not going to be doable.

We are literally going to have enough for bills and groceries (and really I’m not sure how much I’ll have for groceries!) Its scary, and I ask myself daily if I’m being selfish trying to go back to school now. I really felt like this was God’s timing, but its getting closer and closer, and we still don’t know childcare for the princess or how we’re really going to survive. I’m starting to think I wanted it so bad, I “made” it God’s timing. The school is S.L.O.W.L.Y. going over my application and transcripts, and I’m patiently (haha, yeah right) waiting on their response. Is this God’s way of telling me, “Just wait.”? I feel like I’ve been waiting for too long already…I’m not getting any younger! I want to have another child in the next 4-5 years…That has me finishing school, maybe teaching a year (if I was lucky enough to get a job right after graduation), and then having another kid. I feel like in the long run, I’m doing something for the betterment of our family, but not sure if this is the right time. I’m trying to put all my faith and trust in God that He will provide, but I’m only human, and it’s starting to really get down to the wire…

But back to the “Lindsay’s”…which would bring us to just “Lindsay.” I feel selfish when I try to take time for myself…I feel like this is really the least important role I play, and when I’m portraying this one, I’m cutting time out of my other more important roles. I want to exercise at least an hour a day…I usually get in about 25-40 minutes (depending on what I choose to do that day), but if Tony’s home, I feel guilty because after I exercise and then shower, that’s an hour or so that I could have been spending with him, but I chose myself instead. I cherish my lunch hour, and admittedly sometimes take a little longer, because I can just sit and read. I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m not being “Mommy”, “Wife”, or “Home-Keeper-Upper” because I have to be at work. But I would love to go to the park on a Sunday afternoon and just lay on a blanket and read…but I can’t I have too many roles to play on the weekend and just “Lindsay” is not one of them.

I have so much more I need to write about, but this is long enough, so it will all have to wait for another day.

8 Months! Already!

My baby is 8 months today. I can't believe she's been here for the exact length of time that I knew I was pregnant! The pregnancy went fast, but NOTHING compared to how fast these last 8 months have gone! It is so amazing how much a child changes in that first year. The growth is amazing and sad all at once. I told Tony last night after I went in to check on her one last time before bed, "She looks more like a little girl and less like a baby everyday." Its amazing how that realization can make me want to cry remembering how tiny she was, but also make me so excited for the little girl she is becoming.

She has a personality like nothing else. She is such a happy little girl! She makes some of the funniest faces, and loves to talk. She's also recently started "singing" to herself in the car...its so adorable. She gives kisses now, too. Wet, slobbery kisses, but the best kisses I've ever received! She will also kiss her animals in the bathtub now.

On Wednesday, June 3, my baby crawled. The look of accomplishment on her face was priceless! She was SO proud of herself. Yesterday morning, Tony said she crawled over the couch where she proceeded to try and pull herself up. I know that once she gets strong enough to get herself all the way up, she's going to crawl to a place she can pull herself up and start cruising. The girl loves to stand! If you hold her hands for her, she will walk. She can feel free to wait a couple months before walking on her own, though...Mommy really won't mind!

I will try and upload some pictures when I get home!! Happy Eight Months, Madison! Mommy and Daddy love you SO MUCH!!

I'm WAY behind...

So much has happened, I've been too busy/tired to post about it all! Madison is now seven (7??!!) months and we just got back from a wonderful vacation...Grandma is keeping little miss this weekend so hopefully I'll have some time to post updates and new pictures!!

6 Month Pictures

Last Monday we had Madison's 6 month pictures taken. They turned out amazing!! I spent more than I had intended to, but I just couldn't pick!!

You can go here to see the whole album. I know I'm biased, but seriously, I can't get over the cuteness! :)

Happy Easter

We had a great Easter weekend! My mom, brother, and his girlfriend came down Friday afternoon and we went to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. Madison was about as impressed with him as she was with Santa!

Saturday, she got her Easter basket from my mom.

She seemed to really like her jellys in her mouth :)

Sunday morning, she got her Easter basket from Mommy and Daddy.
She really liked her new books!

We tried to get a picture of her in her Easter dress, but she wasn't really interested :)

After church, we all went up to Tony's sister for Easter with the whole family. She got her Easter basket from Nanny (Tony's mom) and his Aunt Donna.

And of course, we had to get her picture in her "First Easter" shirt!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter, and I am so thankful for the reason we celebrate! Thank you Jesus for making the ultimate sacrifice so that we may be free!

Six Months Old!!!

Dear Madison,

Today you are six months old. I feel like you were born, I blinked, and all of a sudden it was six months later! On one hand I can’t believe you’ve been with us for six months already, and on the other hand I can’t believe it’s only been six months! I feel like you’ve been with us forever! You made the transition from husband and wife to daddy and mommy very easy for us! You are such a happy and entertaining little girl! You are getting more talkative everyday. Today, I’m not sure there was time that you were awake that you weren’t talking. You are so passionate about whatever it is you’re talking about, and I can’t wait to know what you’re trying to say. You make it harder every day for me to go to work. I feel like you’re growing even faster now, and I’m afraid to miss anything! The good news is that sooner than later I will get to spend a lot more time with you as Mommy is going to go back to school to be a teacher. Although I know it will be stressful for me to be a full-time student and a full-time Mommy, I know your Daddy will do everything he can to help Mommy achieve her dream. I’m sure there will nights I don’t see much of you, but I will just have to “keep my eye on the prize” and know that in the end, we will get to spend SO MUCH MORE time together!!

Here are some of the things you’re doing now:
· Sitting on your own
· Eating seven ounces
· Eating cereal once a day (most days)
· Eating ½ container of vegetables a day
· Eating ½ container of fruit a day
· Showing A LOT of interest in your puppies
· Starting to open and close your hand like you’re waving, and just being amazed!
· Learning to use your tongue more when you’re babbling
· Rolling to get where you want
· LOVING your pacifier! If you see it out of the corner of your eye, you must have it.
· Splashing in your bathtub. I’m pretty sure you would stay in your bathtub all night if I would let you.
· You’re very good while I brush your gums. I hope this continues once you start getting teeth!
· Starting to drink from your sippy cup. You’re not a big fan of the juice yet so we’re still working on this one!
· Still sleeping through night (about 99% of the time!)
· Pulling Mommy’s (and Grandma’s and Nanny’s) hair…seriously, I think it might be your favorite pastime right now!

Madison, you have a brought a joy to your Daddy and me that we never knew could be experienced! You are everything I could have asked for in a daughter, and SO. MUCH.MORE! We love you, princess!!

Love,
Mommy

Roundabouts are not my friend...

I've never been a big fan of roundabouts. I always thought they were confusing and every time I went around one, I was afraid I was going to get in a wreck. Today, I did. I was on my way back to work after lunch, thought the lady already in the roundabout was going to continue around, so I started go so I could go behind her, but she was turning off at the "exit" so I hit her passenger side back door. Her car is dented. And mine? Well, mine seems to be missing something:
I take it to the shop tomorrow morning. I really pray they don't tell me its totaled.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

Soaking up the sun!

We were lucky enough to have weather in the 70's today so we went for a walk this evening. This was her first time in this stroller, and she loves it! I bought her sunglasses for our cruise in May, and wanted to try them on her today! She didn't reach for them once...left them on the whole time. She knew she looked good, and didn't want to ruin it!!

She obviously really likes this stroller! She was so tired!

Getting so big!

This weekend, the little miss decided to grow up even more, and start sitting up. She's still perfecting it, but is sitting up none the less! Tonight she sat for about 15 seconds before starting to topple.

She also had another first this weekend. She got to sit in the stroller like a big girl! She's still small enough that she couldn't really see over the tray, but she did so well! It made me realize how big she's getting to see her sitting there!

We started her on cereal a little after she turned 4 months, and started veggies about 2 weeks after that. We have yet to find something she doesn't like! So far we've had carrots, sweet potatoes, squash, and green beans. We had been feeding her half of the container of Gerber Organics, but tonight she ate the whole thing of green beans. We still have to try peas, and then it's onto fruits!!

Five Months

Dearest Madison,

Last Thursday you turned five months. It doesn’t even seem possible that you are this old already!! I know I say this every month, but this time is just flying by! I feel like the last five months have been a blur. They have been the best five months of my life, but by far, the FASTEST five months of my life! Your Daddy and I fall more in love with you every day. Every night while I’m nursing you and rocking you to sleep, I struggle to keep tears from falling. I look at you, and my heart literally aches with the love I feel for you. There have been nights that I’ve waken you up because I can’t stop kissing your forehead as you sleep in my arms. The love I feel when I look at you is stronger than I could have ever imagined feeling. I had always been told that there is nothing like a mother’s love, and that couldn’t be truer! It is something that you won’t understand until you are one day (in many, many years!) a mommy yourself.

You have grown up so much in the past two months!! You’re rolling over from belly to back and from back to belly. Your favorite time of day is right before bedtime on your floor in your room in only your diaper. You roll around, grabbing at your feet and babbling away. You are such a talker. Just recently you’ve begun to actually babble. You’ve moved from the “ahhh’s” and “ohhh’s” and on to “bababa”, and “dadada.” Your Daddy is in heaven every time you babble “dada.” And I gotta be honest and tell you that even though I know you’re not actually calling him, I’m a little jealous! J

You L-O-V-E your exersaucer! You will usually spend about 30-45 minutes in it every night while Mommy and Daddy eat dinner. You love to play with all the toys. Although there are times when we think you’re getting mad at them. You will scream at them, and then laugh. I wish I knew what you were saying because you are SO passionate about it!

Now let’s talk about what you really love…FOOD!! We started you on cereal at four months and you loved it! You ate it like a champ!! At five months we started giving you vegetables. So far you’ve tried carrots and sweet potatoes and you have loved them both. You eat off the spoon so well. You really don’t make too much of a mess when you eat. I am so excited to keep introducing new foods to you!

Madison, I love you so much! Becoming your mommy has made me so happy. I feel complete now. I realize now that I was missing something before you were born. I think you have made me a better person. I love you and am excited for the many more memories we’re going to make with you!

Love,
Mommy

Just so we're all on the same page....

I am NOT pregnant again!! After reading the comments from the post I posted earlier today, I figured I'd better just put that thought to rest before you read the post remembering finding out a year ago today that I was pregnant with Madison! :-)

How lives change!

I stared hard at the clock, willing it to move. I had one minute left. On the other side of the bathroom door lay a stick that had the potential to change our lives forever. After what seemed like hours, the clock finally moved. I opened the door slowly, picked it up, and saw:

“Uh, honey!” I called to Tony who was in the other room on the computer.
“Are you pregnant?” he asked so nonchalantly
“I...I think so…” I whispered. “There’s two pink lines, and according to this thing that means pregnant.”
“Go to CVS and get another one…I know you want to.”

And that’s exactly what I did. I hopped in the car and prayed the entire way (all 5 minutes!) to CVS.
“Lord, I have no idea why this is your perfect timing. I know it is…you don’t make mistakes. But are you sure this is really the best time. I mean, I don’t really have a job; I’m just temping at that place. Once that’s over, who’s going to hire a pregnant lady? I’m not saying I don’t trust you, Lord; I’m just saying I really don’t understand the timing, and if you could let me in on your reasoning, that would be great!”

By the time I got back to the pregnancy tests, I was shaking. I was so excited, but scare out of my mind at the same time! I got the digital one, and took it to the counter. “Is this a good thing?” the cashier asked. I think she could see my shaking.
“Yeah…yeah. It just happened a lot quicker than we thought it would.” My Christmas present had been baby Colts stuff. That’s how Tony told me we could start trying to get pregnant. It was now February 4. Just over a month later. It’s not supposed to happen that quickly.

I got home, took the test, and started the waiting game all over again. After another hour (ok, two minutes), I opened the bathroom door again, picked it up, and saw:

I didn’t say a word. I walked into the room where Tony was, and just showed him. He got the biggest smile on his face that I’ve ever seen! “We’re having a baby.” He said. And we were!

3 weeks later, I saw this on the monitor at the doctor’s office:
And it all became so real!

11 weeks later, I took my first belly picture:
A week later, “Feety” became “Madison”:

16 weeks later, we saw her smile:

8 weeks later, I was ready to pop:

And then on October 5, 2008, she stole our hearts:
And just 5 days ago, she stole my heart again:

A year ago today, I had no idea what it felt like to be a mommy…but today I can’t remember what it felt like to NOT be a mommy!

Getting so big!!

Playing before bedtime!

The past two nights, Madison and I have spent close to an hour laying on her floor playing. She is so close to rolling over from her back to her tummy that if she got any closer, she'd be rolling over. Her legs tend to get in the way! She rolls over from tummy to her back like a pro!! She always gets a huge smile on her smile on her face as soon as she rolls over. It's so sweet to see her growing up and mastering all these new skills!! My baby is truly passed the newborn stage! I'm going to be planning her first birthday before I know it! I'm almost afraid to blink, for fear I'll miss something big!!

I miss her...

Is it possible to go through post-partum depression 3 (almost 4) months after your baby is born? If it is, I’m starting to think I’m headed there. Maybe it’s just that I’ve gone back to work, and miss seeing her as much as I used to. Maybe it’s just me missing her. The problem is as overjoyed as I am to see her when I get off work, there’s always the thought in the back of my mind, that she has to go to bed in 2 hours, and then I will see her for 30 minutes in the morning before leaving at 7:15 am (at the latest) and not getting home until 5:30pm at the earliest. I see her for 2 ½ hours a day. I go to work, and I sit. I sit and I read blogs. I’ve had people say “Oh I wish I could get paid to surf the Internet!” or “It must be so nice to not be busy.” Obviously these people have never been in this situation! I can see how a day like that here and there would be welcomed; but every. single. day. Day after day, week after week…it’s horrible. Why am I paying the daycare a ridiculous amount of money for me to go and sit? Yes I’m bringing home a paycheck, but is it really worth it to drive approximately 50 miles a day round-trip, five days a week? I’m not sure they’d really miss me if I wasn’t here. I am on the verge of breaking down into tears every day. It takes serious effort to put on a smile, and act as if nothing is wrong. It’s exhausting to fake it. But how do you tell your boss, “There’s not enough for me to do, and I’m having a really hard time justifying leaving my child for 50 (50?!) hours a week to come and sit here.” Or do I just go in and say that, and hope more work comes my way? The other broker admin has stuff. It’s as if I’m not allowed to do anything but stuff for my boss. I don’t know, maybe that’s the way he wants, and the other brokers know this, so this is why I don’t get anything from anyone else. I hate it; I feel myself almost get jealous when they give stuff to her. Who gets jealous of someone getting all the work?!

I’m making Tony crazy. I’m not happy when I’m home. All I can think about is how I have to go back to work the next day to sit and do nothing once again, while daycare workers take care of my child. Her “teachers” are wonderful, but they’re not me. I’m starting to think he dreads coming home to me because he knows I’ll probably just be in a funk all night. I have not been fulfilling my wifely “duties” very well, wither (SORRY MOM, know you really want to know this!), but I’m just not in the mood because I am seriously not happy. I’m happy with Madison and my heart aches when I think about how much I love her. I don’t want this post to come across as me being depressed (if you can even call it that) when I’m with her, or feeling inadequate, it’s just being away from her for so long during the day is really starting to break me down. And I’m starting to let those feelings seep into my marriage, making it very hard to be the wife Tony deserves to have. I’ll I have been to him lately is a lump on the couch and a bump in the bed. He’s starting to think it’s him…I should really let him know it’s not.

I know this job is completely temporary. I just have to make it until the school year starts. Then I can go back to school, get my degree, and hopefully start teaching with a year or two of graduating. That’s what I really want to be doing. I want to go to work every day knowing I am helping someone. I sometimes think about where Madison will go when I have class, though. If I’m not working, we can’t pay for daycare…I hope to be able to take classes either on MWF or Tuesday and Thursday. That way I can have the other days with her, but hopefully we’ll find something for the days I’m in class. I know Tony knows how important going back to school is to me, so I know we’ll figure something out.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself, “It’s only until August…it’s only until August.” It’s still 7 months longer than I would like, but at least there is a light at the end. Hopefully I can see it get brighter every day, for the happiness of my marriage…for the happiness of me.

New post in the works...

I am currently working on Madison's 3 month post, and her first Christmas post. I hope to have them up by the weekend!

Happy 3 Months!

My sweet Madison,

I can’t believe you are already three months old! I feel like they just placed you in my arms for the first time yesterday! This is also the first day Mommy had to leave you in the morning to go to work. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated! I miss you constantly while I’m at work, and I stare at your picture constantly, counting down the minutes until I get to see and hold you again! You are growing so quickly now; I think you get bigger everyday when I get home from work. Your little personality is quickly becoming apparent, and I LOVE it!! You are such a happy little baby. You love to smile, and LOVE to talk! After your bath before bed is your most talkative time. I love just listening to you “tell me about your day.” You get so excited about something, and your voice gets higher pitched, and your arms and legs just start going. It is the sweetest thing! You are starting to prefer a bottle during the day. This makes me happy and sad all at the same time. On one hand, it’s much more convenient when we are out and about, but on the other hand, I miss that bonding time. Luckily for me, you still like to nurse in the morning and right before you go to bed. When the time comes to give those up, it will kill me! I love staring at you at night in your dim room with your lullabies playing; taking in the scent of your lotion soaked skin. As your eyes slowly become heavier and heavier, I thank God for you over and over!! I don’t know what I did to deserve such a beautiful daughter, but I’m so thankful God chose you for me! You fit perfectly in the crook of my arm while you nurse. It’s as if you truly were a part of me, and God just split us apart so I could share you with others! I love your last few moments of consciousness before finally giving in and slipping into a deep sleep for the night. You try so hard to stay awake…you twist your head all around, and make any noise you can to try and just get a few more seconds. But without fail, you always succumb to the sleepiness you feel. I usually continue to rock you for a while after you fall asleep. Your breathing falls into a comfortable rhythm, and eventually the pacifier comes flying out. I continue to just stare at you, and marvel at how perfect you are! I tell you multiple times how much I love you. I make sure to tell you every night that I will be here whenever you need me; whether it’s 20 minutes from now, or 20 years. We celebrated your First Christmas last month. It was surreal to remember that last Christmas was when your Daddy told me we were going to start trying for a baby, and this Christmas I got to share it with you!! Next year will be even more fun as you will be almost 15 months old, and I’m sure you will just want to rip the wrapping paper off, but that doesn’t take away how special this Christmas was. This holiday takes on a whole new meaning when you’re a Mommy (something I hope you don’t experience for quite some time!J) It becomes much more about spending time with family, and less about the presents. (although I had to restrain myself from buying everything in site for you!) It’s hard to believe you’re passing the ¼ mark on your way to turning 1. This is going way too fast!! They tell you to cherish every moment because it DOES go so fast…but I have been, and it’s still going too fast. Before I know it, I’ll be chasing after you as you crawl all over the house, and then walking, and eventually I’ll “get” to deal with those teenage hormones! I’m sure we’ll have our share of arguments; I can already tell we’re enough alike to butt heads now and again, but always remember that I love you more than anything, and will always be there to rejoice with you in good times, and comfort you in bad. I love you, Madison Nicole…don’t ever forget that!

Love,
Mommy