Getting so big!!

Playing before bedtime!

The past two nights, Madison and I have spent close to an hour laying on her floor playing. She is so close to rolling over from her back to her tummy that if she got any closer, she'd be rolling over. Her legs tend to get in the way! She rolls over from tummy to her back like a pro!! She always gets a huge smile on her smile on her face as soon as she rolls over. It's so sweet to see her growing up and mastering all these new skills!! My baby is truly passed the newborn stage! I'm going to be planning her first birthday before I know it! I'm almost afraid to blink, for fear I'll miss something big!!

I miss her...

Is it possible to go through post-partum depression 3 (almost 4) months after your baby is born? If it is, I’m starting to think I’m headed there. Maybe it’s just that I’ve gone back to work, and miss seeing her as much as I used to. Maybe it’s just me missing her. The problem is as overjoyed as I am to see her when I get off work, there’s always the thought in the back of my mind, that she has to go to bed in 2 hours, and then I will see her for 30 minutes in the morning before leaving at 7:15 am (at the latest) and not getting home until 5:30pm at the earliest. I see her for 2 ½ hours a day. I go to work, and I sit. I sit and I read blogs. I’ve had people say “Oh I wish I could get paid to surf the Internet!” or “It must be so nice to not be busy.” Obviously these people have never been in this situation! I can see how a day like that here and there would be welcomed; but every. single. day. Day after day, week after week…it’s horrible. Why am I paying the daycare a ridiculous amount of money for me to go and sit? Yes I’m bringing home a paycheck, but is it really worth it to drive approximately 50 miles a day round-trip, five days a week? I’m not sure they’d really miss me if I wasn’t here. I am on the verge of breaking down into tears every day. It takes serious effort to put on a smile, and act as if nothing is wrong. It’s exhausting to fake it. But how do you tell your boss, “There’s not enough for me to do, and I’m having a really hard time justifying leaving my child for 50 (50?!) hours a week to come and sit here.” Or do I just go in and say that, and hope more work comes my way? The other broker admin has stuff. It’s as if I’m not allowed to do anything but stuff for my boss. I don’t know, maybe that’s the way he wants, and the other brokers know this, so this is why I don’t get anything from anyone else. I hate it; I feel myself almost get jealous when they give stuff to her. Who gets jealous of someone getting all the work?!

I’m making Tony crazy. I’m not happy when I’m home. All I can think about is how I have to go back to work the next day to sit and do nothing once again, while daycare workers take care of my child. Her “teachers” are wonderful, but they’re not me. I’m starting to think he dreads coming home to me because he knows I’ll probably just be in a funk all night. I have not been fulfilling my wifely “duties” very well, wither (SORRY MOM, know you really want to know this!), but I’m just not in the mood because I am seriously not happy. I’m happy with Madison and my heart aches when I think about how much I love her. I don’t want this post to come across as me being depressed (if you can even call it that) when I’m with her, or feeling inadequate, it’s just being away from her for so long during the day is really starting to break me down. And I’m starting to let those feelings seep into my marriage, making it very hard to be the wife Tony deserves to have. I’ll I have been to him lately is a lump on the couch and a bump in the bed. He’s starting to think it’s him…I should really let him know it’s not.

I know this job is completely temporary. I just have to make it until the school year starts. Then I can go back to school, get my degree, and hopefully start teaching with a year or two of graduating. That’s what I really want to be doing. I want to go to work every day knowing I am helping someone. I sometimes think about where Madison will go when I have class, though. If I’m not working, we can’t pay for daycare…I hope to be able to take classes either on MWF or Tuesday and Thursday. That way I can have the other days with her, but hopefully we’ll find something for the days I’m in class. I know Tony knows how important going back to school is to me, so I know we’ll figure something out.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself, “It’s only until August…it’s only until August.” It’s still 7 months longer than I would like, but at least there is a light at the end. Hopefully I can see it get brighter every day, for the happiness of my marriage…for the happiness of me.

New post in the works...

I am currently working on Madison's 3 month post, and her first Christmas post. I hope to have them up by the weekend!

Happy 3 Months!

My sweet Madison,

I can’t believe you are already three months old! I feel like they just placed you in my arms for the first time yesterday! This is also the first day Mommy had to leave you in the morning to go to work. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated! I miss you constantly while I’m at work, and I stare at your picture constantly, counting down the minutes until I get to see and hold you again! You are growing so quickly now; I think you get bigger everyday when I get home from work. Your little personality is quickly becoming apparent, and I LOVE it!! You are such a happy little baby. You love to smile, and LOVE to talk! After your bath before bed is your most talkative time. I love just listening to you “tell me about your day.” You get so excited about something, and your voice gets higher pitched, and your arms and legs just start going. It is the sweetest thing! You are starting to prefer a bottle during the day. This makes me happy and sad all at the same time. On one hand, it’s much more convenient when we are out and about, but on the other hand, I miss that bonding time. Luckily for me, you still like to nurse in the morning and right before you go to bed. When the time comes to give those up, it will kill me! I love staring at you at night in your dim room with your lullabies playing; taking in the scent of your lotion soaked skin. As your eyes slowly become heavier and heavier, I thank God for you over and over!! I don’t know what I did to deserve such a beautiful daughter, but I’m so thankful God chose you for me! You fit perfectly in the crook of my arm while you nurse. It’s as if you truly were a part of me, and God just split us apart so I could share you with others! I love your last few moments of consciousness before finally giving in and slipping into a deep sleep for the night. You try so hard to stay awake…you twist your head all around, and make any noise you can to try and just get a few more seconds. But without fail, you always succumb to the sleepiness you feel. I usually continue to rock you for a while after you fall asleep. Your breathing falls into a comfortable rhythm, and eventually the pacifier comes flying out. I continue to just stare at you, and marvel at how perfect you are! I tell you multiple times how much I love you. I make sure to tell you every night that I will be here whenever you need me; whether it’s 20 minutes from now, or 20 years. We celebrated your First Christmas last month. It was surreal to remember that last Christmas was when your Daddy told me we were going to start trying for a baby, and this Christmas I got to share it with you!! Next year will be even more fun as you will be almost 15 months old, and I’m sure you will just want to rip the wrapping paper off, but that doesn’t take away how special this Christmas was. This holiday takes on a whole new meaning when you’re a Mommy (something I hope you don’t experience for quite some time!J) It becomes much more about spending time with family, and less about the presents. (although I had to restrain myself from buying everything in site for you!) It’s hard to believe you’re passing the ¼ mark on your way to turning 1. This is going way too fast!! They tell you to cherish every moment because it DOES go so fast…but I have been, and it’s still going too fast. Before I know it, I’ll be chasing after you as you crawl all over the house, and then walking, and eventually I’ll “get” to deal with those teenage hormones! I’m sure we’ll have our share of arguments; I can already tell we’re enough alike to butt heads now and again, but always remember that I love you more than anything, and will always be there to rejoice with you in good times, and comfort you in bad. I love you, Madison Nicole…don’t ever forget that!

Love,
Mommy