I miss her...

Is it possible to go through post-partum depression 3 (almost 4) months after your baby is born? If it is, I’m starting to think I’m headed there. Maybe it’s just that I’ve gone back to work, and miss seeing her as much as I used to. Maybe it’s just me missing her. The problem is as overjoyed as I am to see her when I get off work, there’s always the thought in the back of my mind, that she has to go to bed in 2 hours, and then I will see her for 30 minutes in the morning before leaving at 7:15 am (at the latest) and not getting home until 5:30pm at the earliest. I see her for 2 ½ hours a day. I go to work, and I sit. I sit and I read blogs. I’ve had people say “Oh I wish I could get paid to surf the Internet!” or “It must be so nice to not be busy.” Obviously these people have never been in this situation! I can see how a day like that here and there would be welcomed; but every. single. day. Day after day, week after week…it’s horrible. Why am I paying the daycare a ridiculous amount of money for me to go and sit? Yes I’m bringing home a paycheck, but is it really worth it to drive approximately 50 miles a day round-trip, five days a week? I’m not sure they’d really miss me if I wasn’t here. I am on the verge of breaking down into tears every day. It takes serious effort to put on a smile, and act as if nothing is wrong. It’s exhausting to fake it. But how do you tell your boss, “There’s not enough for me to do, and I’m having a really hard time justifying leaving my child for 50 (50?!) hours a week to come and sit here.” Or do I just go in and say that, and hope more work comes my way? The other broker admin has stuff. It’s as if I’m not allowed to do anything but stuff for my boss. I don’t know, maybe that’s the way he wants, and the other brokers know this, so this is why I don’t get anything from anyone else. I hate it; I feel myself almost get jealous when they give stuff to her. Who gets jealous of someone getting all the work?!

I’m making Tony crazy. I’m not happy when I’m home. All I can think about is how I have to go back to work the next day to sit and do nothing once again, while daycare workers take care of my child. Her “teachers” are wonderful, but they’re not me. I’m starting to think he dreads coming home to me because he knows I’ll probably just be in a funk all night. I have not been fulfilling my wifely “duties” very well, wither (SORRY MOM, know you really want to know this!), but I’m just not in the mood because I am seriously not happy. I’m happy with Madison and my heart aches when I think about how much I love her. I don’t want this post to come across as me being depressed (if you can even call it that) when I’m with her, or feeling inadequate, it’s just being away from her for so long during the day is really starting to break me down. And I’m starting to let those feelings seep into my marriage, making it very hard to be the wife Tony deserves to have. I’ll I have been to him lately is a lump on the couch and a bump in the bed. He’s starting to think it’s him…I should really let him know it’s not.

I know this job is completely temporary. I just have to make it until the school year starts. Then I can go back to school, get my degree, and hopefully start teaching with a year or two of graduating. That’s what I really want to be doing. I want to go to work every day knowing I am helping someone. I sometimes think about where Madison will go when I have class, though. If I’m not working, we can’t pay for daycare…I hope to be able to take classes either on MWF or Tuesday and Thursday. That way I can have the other days with her, but hopefully we’ll find something for the days I’m in class. I know Tony knows how important going back to school is to me, so I know we’ll figure something out.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself, “It’s only until August…it’s only until August.” It’s still 7 months longer than I would like, but at least there is a light at the end. Hopefully I can see it get brighter every day, for the happiness of my marriage…for the happiness of me.