I know in my last post I said I didn't mind that Madison always wanted me...but I have to ask if it's ok to be brutally honest here. I guess since it's my blog, I can, but no judging allowed! It is wearing me down always having to be around her! I feel like I can't do anything, whether its in the house, or out of the house, because she'll just cry with Tony. I love being home with her, and would do just about anything to not have to go back to work at the beginning of the year, but the pressure of being so "needed" is starting to really break me down. I'm exhausted from getting up to feed her at night (as much as I love staring into her eyes as she nurses), and then having to be right there all day, even when Tony has the day off! I know motherhood is a 24/7/365 job, but I feel like I can't even clean, do laundry, or even eat unless she's sleeping! And let me tell you, she isn't a big napper during the day. She takes more cat naps than anything, so that doesn't really allow me to get much done.
I wish I knew how to get her "used" to Daddy holding her. Most of the time he holds her, she screams. Not cries, but blood curdling screams. It breaks my heart, but obviously not nearly as much as it breaks his! After a couple minutes, he just hands her to me because he can't take it anymore, and usually (not always) she quits within five minutes. I know she's going to be more attached to me since I'm home with her all day, and the fact that I nurse her, but it just seems a little extreme. He tries to help out some mornings by taking her and trying to give her the bottle. She'll drink an ounce or so, and then just scream. I don't understand why she won't take the bottle from him. She takes it for Grandma, Nanny, and even me! I would think that if she wasn't going to take it from someone, it would be me! I just don't know what to do, but I honestly feel like a single parent at times. Not because I don't have a husband who's willing to help out because I know he wants to SO BAD! but because she won't let him help! I'm so overwhelmed, and its starting to affect our marriage. I'm just so tired all the time, both physically and emotionally, that by the time he gets home, I've already started to shut down.
He told me the other morning that he missed the old me...that cut really deep. I didn't realize I was this bad. I wish he knew how much I miss the old me...not the "not-mom me", but the happy me. I just feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Any little thing can send me into tears; I'm so worn out! I know it will get better. She's only a little over a month old...But how much longer can he deal with me like this? Is it normal to wonder if we really made the right decision at the right time? That makes me sound like a horrible mom, but that's not how I mean it. I love this little girl so much, I ache when I think about it. It hurts how much I love her! But I sometimes question God and his timing...was I REALLY ready to be a mom?? I mean, I guess since we got pregnant so fast, and all the circumstances that were going on at the time that I got pregnant, it's pretty obvious that we were ready at this exact time. But that makes me ask God, why is it so hard?! What lesson are you trying to teach me? Please just send a sign...and when I say sign, I'm thinking something like a billboard!
This post just made me feel like a horrible mother...please realize that I wouldn't trade where I am for anything, I just needed to get some of these feelings out! I know this was kind of a jumbled mess, but I just let whatever I was thinking be written. I have to go get the little miss...she's done with the swing and Daddy's playing basketball (please don't even let me get started on how I feel about this!)
House Rebuilt!
1 year ago
4 comments:
Oh Lind my heart breaks for you, because I have been there and I completely know what you are saying!! I was nodding this whole post because that is how things were with Teeghun...I soooo yearned for just 30 minutes when he would snuggle up to Steve and let him be the incredible Daddy I knew that he wanted to be. Call me if you want to talk!!!
Give yourself a break momma. While I am not a mom yet, I know that this is a very normal experience. You are tired and overwhelmed with hormones. It will all be okay and very soon. Hang in there.
Oh Lindsay, you are not a terrible Mom. You are normal and you are going through the hardest part. The first couple of months nearly killed me. I PROMISE it gets better. It really does. I would cry and pray and cry some more. I felt like I had to take everything one minute at a time because I was on the verge. You are doing a great job. I am so sorry. I know how hard it is. I wish I lived near so I could come help in some way. I have to say...FORGET THE LAUNDRY/CLEANING/ETC. All of it. Get help with that part. OR let it go for a bit. I am SUCH a CLEAN freak but I had to let go of the cleaning and REST during their naps or else I would be a basket case when Brian got home. DELIRIOUS from not enough sleep and on edge. Your only job in this toughest beginning part is to stay healthy so you can produce lots of milk, care for madison, and REST so you can do it all over again and so that people can stand to be around you. LOL. BUt seriously, I was much better when I got more rest and Brian understood that it was either having clean underwear or my emotional wellbeing. He chose the latter and washed his own underwear. It was hard but You'll get back to the regular everyday stuff soon. I am praying for you. E-mail me anytime. Hang in there.
I don't have anything helpful to add...except I love you lots!! I wish I could be more helpful!
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