My head is spinning...

*DISCLAIMER* The following is just a bunch of thoughts that have been going through my head since we found out we were pregnant. These are things that I have spent hours upon hours about in prayer asking for the Lord to guide me. They are things I have discussed with my two closest girl friends, and asked them to pray about for me. Feel free to stop reading now, but if you want to proceed, be my guest.

I used to think that in my perfect scenario I would be a stay at home mom (SAHM), raise my children to school age, and then get a part-time job that would allow me to drop them off at school, pick them up from school, be home for all breaks (spring, Christmas, and especially summer). I’ve since realized that’s not what I want. These thoughts were based on the idea that I had finished school, found a wonderful man that could support me and as many children as we decided to have, had taught for a few years, and the blissful life as a SAHM would begin. As you all know, that’s not the way things went. I went to school…for four years even, but still am “degree-less.” The good news is I found a more amazing man than I could have ever dreamed of finding who loves me for who I am…my selfish, pouty-at-times, demanding personality and all.

I want my degree though. I have wanted it since I started college way back in September of 2001. I want to be teaching. Whether it is my ideal Kindergarten or 1st grade class, or the even more ideal Special Education classroom; or even a 5th grade classroom…I want to be in the schools teaching. I’ve realized that my dream is to be a mom AND a teacher. I still want to be a SAHM right now, but that’s only because I want to be able to go to school, finish my degree, and then start teaching. I know I don’t need a degree to be considered a “successful individual/mom” but for me to be completely happy with myself, I do. I HATE that I don’t have my degree. I always saw myself as a college graduate, and I fully intend to be one sooner rather than later.

You can look at this and say, “Well there you go, you have it all figured out! Now go out there and get what you want, girl!” I think the same thing…and then that little thing known as $$$ rears its ugly head. How can we afford to pay for school? How can we afford to pay all the bills and clothe and feed us and the peanut on just Tony’s salary? How can we afford to pay for childcare while I’m in classes? Where do we find childcare that we can pick days and times? And these are the times that another little bubble pops into my head…I want to move back north. I know people there that I could trust to either watch my child, or give me credible references to someone else that would. But much bigger than that, my mom’s there.

I miss my mom being at the most 20 minutes away. I miss FCOG (First Church of God). To me, that will always be “my” church. CATC (Church at the Crossing) will always be the church I go to when I’m not in Columbia City. I grew up at FCOG. I love it there! I know everybody, everybody knows me, and I feel comfortable there. Plus, my mom’s there. I had no idea I would miss my mom as much as I do when we decided to move down here. I know that a lot of it now is being pregnant and wanting to my mom to be close when the child is growing up. I have a wonderful “in-law” family down here in Tony’s family, but what daughter doesn’t want her mom when she’s pregnant? I know Tony’s mom loves me more than I could ever dream a mother-in-law could love a daughter-in-law, but as I’m sure she understands, it’s still not the same. I know Tony loves being close to his family, and I admire and adore the love and respect he has for his family, but I miss my mom.

I have to stop this post now because I’m writing it at work, and it’s getting me a little emotional, and crying at my desk is not exactly my idea of fun. If you made it through this entire post…WOW! And if it doesn’t make complete sense, forgive me as I was just typing what has been mulling around in my mind the past 2½ months or so.

I’ll end with this scripture that really hit me today:
“If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself,” He says. “But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.” Matthew 10:39 (Message)